So the editors of this illustrious journal were sitting around experimenting with martinis one day recently, and — violating the second rule of alcohol consumption — we had a computer open. As anybody on the entire planet could tell you, computers and youtube go together like gin and olives (which is to say: very well but it’s not exactly good for you).

I honestly couldn’t tell you the details of how this happened, but we wound up on the youtube channel for something called drinkstv.

In a phrase: oh the pain. They’re wrong about everything, wrong in a way only a South Florida bartender serving up liquor to flabby, overtanned fratboys (and the female equivalent) can be.

Maybe some people enjoy having their intelligence insulted. Me, not so much. Try this experiment:

1. Watch this little clip on how to make a mint julep.
2. Okay, now do it again but don’t look at her boobs this time.
3. A LIME?! SPRITE?

For those not in the know: mint, bourbon, sugar (powdered or granulated; there’s some debate), a splash of water, and a lot of crushed ice. That’s it. It’s not a “mojito with bourbon.” In fact, the only thing they have in common is mint and sugar — and you shouldn’t really be bruising the mint in a julep so even that’s kind of a stretch.

And that abomination used fairly costly bourbon to boot.

Make no mistake: I’m not opposed to hot bartenders (though “oh look cleavage” and “hot” comprise a Venn diagram that doesn’t overlap all that much), but their job isn’t to be hot; their job is to give me something nice to drink. If you really want to use sex to sell your product, open a strip club — and then hire competent bartenders. If I’m ordering cocktails at all — and I don’t order anything more complicated than a whisky sour much exactly becaue of stuff like this — I’m going to do it because I think the bartender knows his or her trade.

Because let’s face it: this is the internet, and it’s full of things way more titillating (har) than anything you can see behind the bar at any club. For free, even.

God help me if I went up to this woman and ordered a sazerac.

In closing, let me note that the comments on the youtube video I linked make it almost worthwhile. Usually youtube comments are transcendentally stupid, but for once they actually seem to get it.

Well. I’m drinking a cocktail I just made and despite being both a biologist and a budding statistician, I think I may contract salmonella tonight (around 1/20,000 chance). Oh well. At least I’ll have a blog post to show for it.

I got through the first hurdle of my grad school qualifying exam today! So to celebrate, I opened up a bottle of sherry I got recently (the cheap stuff, but hush, it’s my first time) and decided pretty soon after pouring off a taster size portion into my wine glass that 1) port is better and 2) maybe I should’ve spent more than $4.49 on the sherry. Now what to do with a whole bottle that I don’t particularly want to drink from again. I’ll definitely cook with it a bit, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to make cocktails out of the stuff too. A quick Google search tells me that Cream Sherry Flips are the most common cocktail made with cream sherry… but it involves an egg.

Cream Sherry Flip

2½ oz Cream Sherry
2 tsp Table Cream
1 tsp Simple Syrup (2:1)
1 Fresh Egg
Nutmeg

Instructions: In a cocktail shaker combine sherry, cream simple syrup and an egg. Shake vigorously (or use a stick blender) for 30 seconds. Add ice and shake again for 30 more seconds. Strain in to a mug or coffee cup and sprinkle with nutmeg.

Read the rest of this entry »

Ah, caipirinhas – perhaps Brazil’s best export outside of footballers (though admittedly, there’s some fine exporting going there). For those that haven’t had the chance to experience one yet, 1. get your arse to the nearest Brazilian steakhouse ASAP, 2. cry into your mojito instead. Of course, I may be a bit biased in this — the first time I ever had a caipirinha, a Brazilian friend brought a giant gourd (literally. a gourd.) filled with mysterious substances that he had us take turns pounding/mashing before we started taking sips and passing it around.

“Pedro. Where on earth did you find a giant gourd??”
“Oh, I missed drinking out of these so much, I ask my mother to buy one and send it to me in the mail.”

Somehow things taste better when it came out of a container sent by someone’s mother 5000 miles away.

Now I don’t remember too much else about that particular drink besides that it was good, I kept calling it capoeiras, and we were preetty happy by the time the gourd had been emptied.

A few days and wikipedia articles later, I had learnt that the secret of the caipirinha is cachaça, or a distilled liquor vaguely resembling rum, but made from sugarcane instead of molasses. The end result tends to be a bit softer than rum, and quite conducive towards sipping. Or awesome cocktails. Cachaça just started being imported into the US recently (before, being mainly popular in Germany… hallo randomness!). The most recognizable brands in the US market are Pitú and Cachaça 51, and indeed, I had a liter of Cachaça 51 courtesy of MarketViewLiquor for 19.99. Haven’t tried to look for cachaça out in the city too much yet, so I don’t know what the de facto availability is.

Anyhow, I had some friends over for dinner, and the debate turned towards the perils of nationalized healthcare; basically, an excellent time to bust out some awesome cocktails. I just happened to have limes. Some brown sugar. Aaaand cachaça! So I started cutting those limes into wedges and got enthusiastically into the muddling business before realizing… I have no idea how to make a caipirinha.

So instead, I did what I do best — make shit up.

Caipijitos (serves 4)
Ingredients
- 1 lime
- 4 tbl of brown sugar
- 4 shots of cachaca
- 1 12oz (standard) can of seltzer water // carbonated water

1. Cut 1 lime into ~8 wedges, put into a thin/tall glass (small french presses are awesome for this). Add the brown sugar and cachaca and muddle.
2. Pour into 4 glasses (in my case, red wine glasses) over a couple ice cubes.
3. Top off each glass with seltzer water & mix.
4. Serve to unsuspecting guests as caipirinhas. Bask in their praise.

Wow. Damn good. I think the star of the party really is the cachaça. I sipped a bit of the stuff later and it has a distinctive taste that stood out nicely in the Capijitos. Definitely worth a second shot at trying to make real caipirinhas.
Till next time… cuidado!