So the editors of this illustrious journal were sitting around experimenting with martinis one day recently, and — violating the second rule of alcohol consumption — we had a computer open. As anybody on the entire planet could tell you, computers and youtube go together like gin and olives (which is to say: very well but it’s not exactly good for you).

I honestly couldn’t tell you the details of how this happened, but we wound up on the youtube channel for something called drinkstv.

In a phrase: oh the pain. They’re wrong about everything, wrong in a way only a South Florida bartender serving up liquor to flabby, overtanned fratboys (and the female equivalent) can be.

Maybe some people enjoy having their intelligence insulted. Me, not so much. Try this experiment:

1. Watch this little clip on how to make a mint julep.
2. Okay, now do it again but don’t look at her boobs this time.
3. A LIME?! SPRITE?

For those not in the know: mint, bourbon, sugar (powdered or granulated; there’s some debate), a splash of water, and a lot of crushed ice. That’s it. It’s not a “mojito with bourbon.” In fact, the only thing they have in common is mint and sugar — and you shouldn’t really be bruising the mint in a julep so even that’s kind of a stretch.

And that abomination used fairly costly bourbon to boot.

Make no mistake: I’m not opposed to hot bartenders (though “oh look cleavage” and “hot” comprise a Venn diagram that doesn’t overlap all that much), but their job isn’t to be hot; their job is to give me something nice to drink. If you really want to use sex to sell your product, open a strip club — and then hire competent bartenders. If I’m ordering cocktails at all — and I don’t order anything more complicated than a whisky sour much exactly becaue of stuff like this — I’m going to do it because I think the bartender knows his or her trade.

Because let’s face it: this is the internet, and it’s full of things way more titillating (har) than anything you can see behind the bar at any club. For free, even.

God help me if I went up to this woman and ordered a sazerac.

In closing, let me note that the comments on the youtube video I linked make it almost worthwhile. Usually youtube comments are transcendentally stupid, but for once they actually seem to get it.