American news is generally a little too fair and balanced for my tastes, so I get a lot of my news from our friends across the pond. Because of that, I read an article a few days ago outlining the Tories’ plan to raise taxes on strong beer, cider, and malt beverages.

Now, let me open up with the obvious: I support taxing malternatives for the same reason I support taxing Abercrombie and Fitch: they’re just too highly correlated with sociopathic behavior (because this is a serious blog about serious topics, I’ll refrain from any terminology that ends in -baggery). And I am irreconcilably opposed to any legislation, in any country, that would increase the price of Belgian ale. So let’s call this proposal a step forward and a step backward.

In seriousness, the catch is that alcopops are a gateway drug, so to speak. Pretty much everybody starts drinking the sugary alcoholic drinks and then moves up to real beer and the like. (Including me.) But let’s not kid ourselves here; I know people who started drinking wine mixed with sparkling water or fruit juice, and people who drank Cuervo Gold exclusively when they were 18. Unless their parents have something to say about it, teenagers are going to drink. If Smirnoff Ice becomes too expensive, they’ll just learn to stomach whatever the British equivalent of Keystone Light is.

Furthermore, taxing highly-alcoholic beverages at a higher rate completely misses the point of binge drinking. If you want to get trashed and break some windows/furniture/noses, you’re going to be drinking whatever’s cheapest anyway. If it’s weak, you’ll just make it up on volume. I know some people who were in a frat in an Ivy League school, and they explained to me that every 6 months or so someone would have the idea that they should start playing pong with something other than Keystone Light… and every time somebody would wind up in the hospital. Cheap week beer was part of their psychology, and when they were exposed to the stronger stuff they wouldn’t scale back accordingly.

The idea that legislative cajoling can make people behave better seems to be popular in Britain (though I’m certainly not saying that’s not the case here). Up until 2005, pubs in the UK could only stay open until 11, and while that’s changing now in some municipalities, most bars still have to close then. I’ve lived all in states where the bars have to close at 2 all my life, and it still seems a little silly. A British friend explained that the 11 PM last call just means you have to drink harder before closing time.

None of this is to say that there’s not a problem (or that there is - I’ll defer to someone more qualified), or that there exists no legislative remedy but - come on - no government can change basic human psychology. If you want to curb drunken violence, you should probably focus on the violence part of the equation, not the drunken part, because everybody drinks. Even if drinking alcopops is a decision I can’t respect, merely drinking them shouldn’t be defined as an integral part of the problem.

Besides, I’ve got my own culturally-insensitive theory: Brits get drunk and break stuff because someone told them that beer is supposed to be served warm. If David Cameron proposed a law mandating maximum beer temperatures, then he’d have my attention.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 10th, 2008 at 12:25 am and is filed under Beer, Random.